Realizations

Today has been 28 weeks since my sweet husband, Brett Ansley passed away. Last Thursday at 1am I had a melt down. For the first time in 28 weeks I realized that he is never coming back, I will never see him on this earth again. He won't come up behind me while Im doing dishes and give me a hug, he won't bring me coffee in bed or wake me up snoring. He won't calm me when things around me are raging and make no sense. He won't tell me everything will be alright or that he loves me ever again. I don't understand how I am just now realizing this. How  6 months and 13 days have gone by and I haven't realized this. Is it denial? We have never in our married life spent 28 wks apart, has my mind been playing tricks on me? It was a moment that I will never forget, feeling everything is so final. I was at his funeral and spoke about him and what an awesome man , husband, dad, son  and Papa he was. I kissed him that day and said I love you , see you later. I tried to make everything just right. I didn't cry that day because I knew if I started I would never stop, because I wanted to be strong for my daughter, son and grandkids. But shouldn't I have realized I would never see him here again? I miss him so badly I can't breathe at times. I sit and look at his chair and long for him to be there. I wear his flannel shirts to feel closer to him and smell his aftershave to remember his scent. I know in my heart it was his time and Gods time for him to go and I wouldn't have wanted him to stay here because I wasn't ready for him to go because that wouldn't be fair to him to suffer any more then he already had. But oh how I would love to argue with him about something stupid and then make up or have him come in the kitchen and give me a hug or wake up with his snoring. Or tell me he loved me just one more time. One of the last conversations we had was him saying he would love to live long enough to see his grandkids graduate or get married and have kids. Oh how I wished that too. I hope he gets to watch the good stuff from heaven.