I hate you

I Hate You
          I don't just dislike you , I Hate You! I Hate how you are sneaky. How you take and you don't give back. You are selfish and I Hate you! I know Hate is a very strong word but  I still Hate you! I once thought that I could be indifferent to you, ignore you, discard you away on the back of a shelf like you would an old school book of maybe Algebra or English. You wouldn't let me and I Hate you! You are cruel and selfish, detested, and yes I Hate you. There is nothing you can do to make me change my mind. There is no apology for what you do and have done. You don't care who you hurt or make cry, you have no empathy or sympathy or regret for what you do and for this I Hate you! I don't just Hate you a little I Hate you with every fiber of my being. For the lives you have destroyed and  continue to I Hate you!
"FOR WHAT" you ask... for all the pain you cause,the tears that have been shed the fear you instill. You use children to get your way and I Hate you! You get inside their small bodies and you tear them apart. Oh you are sneaky, you don't do your deed all at once. You wait till their muscles are getting strong and they are on their way to riding bikes or jumping on trampolines with their little sister or simply walking and then you strike. You make it hard to get up from a game of marbles on the floor or to simply open a door. Not stopping there you take and take making it difficult to eat or raise their hands in class or even turn over in their beds or move their heads. I Hate you! You take their ability to walk and run and play and eat. However in all your destruction there is one thing you will never take and that is their smile, amazing attitude and hope. That's right HOPE! Hope that one day you will be destroyed for all the world to see. You are Duchennes Muscular Dystrophy and I Hate you!!
Please help us destroy this deadly disease!! copyright by Mary Ansley in memory of James B Taylor, Timothy M Taylor, Joseph Ansley, Gregory Brown
Posted by brneyedgirl at 11:29 PM No comm

I'm Going to be Okay!!!Someday!

Im sitting in a coffee shop drinking coffee and listening to christian music. I have it on You tube and its randomly playing songs. Let your heart beat again, You Say, Just be held, see a pattern here. God always knows just what we need to hear when we need to hear it.
I'm missing Brett especially bad today, no particular reason, it's not an anniversary of any sort. Just a beautiful day and I just really miss him, his touch, kissing him good morning, having our morning coffee together, starting our day together. You're Going to be Okay is a new song I haven't heard before but it is very powerful. I know with God I will be okay, maybe not today or tomorrow but one day I will be. Right now I'm just taking it one second, one minute, one hour and one day at a time. I have already had so much amazing help from all my friends, whether we have sat and drank coffee over conversation , or you have prayed for me after reading one of my posts, or I have woke you up accidentally by crying, some have brightened my day with sweet packages. Friend or family so many of you have helped with my journey, some of you knew him some of you only knew him through me and what you've heard or read. It has all made a difference in me just getting out of bed in the morning and moving forward. So Thank you each and everyone along this tough journey.

Before It's too late!

My thought for the day... Don't let another minute go by ignoring a loved one because of something someone told you about them. We aren't promised tomorrow. Pick up the phone, text them or better yet go see them and talk about it. You may be surprised by the truth. Or you may have regret the rest of your life when it ends up being too late. Life is just too short !

Realizations

Today has been 28 weeks since my sweet husband, Brett Ansley passed away. Last Thursday at 1am I had a melt down. For the first time in 28 weeks I realized that he is never coming back, I will never see him on this earth again. He won't come up behind me while Im doing dishes and give me a hug, he won't bring me coffee in bed or wake me up snoring. He won't calm me when things around me are raging and make no sense. He won't tell me everything will be alright or that he loves me ever again. I don't understand how I am just now realizing this. How  6 months and 13 days have gone by and I haven't realized this. Is it denial? We have never in our married life spent 28 wks apart, has my mind been playing tricks on me? It was a moment that I will never forget, feeling everything is so final. I was at his funeral and spoke about him and what an awesome man , husband, dad, son  and Papa he was. I kissed him that day and said I love you , see you later. I tried to make everything just right. I didn't cry that day because I knew if I started I would never stop, because I wanted to be strong for my daughter, son and grandkids. But shouldn't I have realized I would never see him here again? I miss him so badly I can't breathe at times. I sit and look at his chair and long for him to be there. I wear his flannel shirts to feel closer to him and smell his aftershave to remember his scent. I know in my heart it was his time and Gods time for him to go and I wouldn't have wanted him to stay here because I wasn't ready for him to go because that wouldn't be fair to him to suffer any more then he already had. But oh how I would love to argue with him about something stupid and then make up or have him come in the kitchen and give me a hug or wake up with his snoring. Or tell me he loved me just one more time. One of the last conversations we had was him saying he would love to live long enough to see his grandkids graduate or get married and have kids. Oh how I wished that too. I hope he gets to watch the good stuff from heaven.

Remembering.

12:40 am on 1/15/1997 go in to tuck you in and turn off the T.V and say good night. You have been up way past your normal bedtime watching the Tonight Show. I say" I think Brett should come and look at you, you look pale." You reply "No momma I'm okay." I start to put your sheep skin blankets between your knees and elbows, you say"Momma I don't need those any more. I fuss at you a little "now don't wait till I get in bed and then decide you do." You reply "I won't, I don't need them any more." Not till later do I find this odd and very telling.

12:45 am I get almost in bed and realize I haven't told you I love you. I start to go back but then think I will tell you when I come back in a little while to turn you over.This decision I regret to this day, 19 yrs later.

2:15 am I wake in a panic when I see what time it it. I am usually turning you over at least twice by now. Brett assures me it's okay, saying you have the baby monitor you will hear him if he needs you. You need to get some sleep. Maybe the new meds are working and he is finally getting some sleep.

6:05 am I wake to Brett making coffee I hear Princeton meowing. He is probably at the coffee pot with Brett reaching up with his front paws to say good morning while Brett makes coffee. I jump up out of bed in a panic because I haven't turned you all night. My feet hit the floor  but something isn't quit right. I'm not sure what it is but something is very wrong. I slowly go in the hallway, to your doorway, I call your name, "Joey"…I wait and call your name again "Joey".. I will call your name 2 more times before reaching your bed. Then I scream out, this too I regret to this day. I think I scream "NO oh God No!" Brett comes running to see what is wrong. The minute he saw me he knew. He told me to call Tammy. I do and wait for her to come. In the meantime your little sister wakes up. She doesn't immediately come out of her room. She heard my screams and I am certain she knew you were gone…gone to soon. The most of this day is a blur from here on out.

The rolling pin

It is made of white marble with beautiful grey steaks running this way and that. A wooden handle on either end. It rests in a wooden cradle. It has helped make bread, pastries, pies and my favorite, sugar cookies with grandchildren. It is the one of a few of the treasures I have in my kitchen. It sits just below one of my favorite cookbooks. I am very careful when I was it for fear it may break. It has its own story.
 Years ago on a fall November day it came into my life and kitchen in an unexpected way. I went that day for a visit to a beautiful lady. She had trouble getting around that day and asked , well more like motioned for her husband to get something from the kitchen. He shook his head no but she insisted ,this went back and forth for a few minutes. Finally she won out and he went to the kitchen. He emerged from the kitchen with it in his hands and set it beside me on the couch without saying a word.  The lady spoke and said I want you to have this because of any one in the family you will use it the most. I thanked her immensly, not really realizing exactly why she was giving it to me. Had she bought herself a new one? She still made awesome apple pies,didn't she?
I took it home and set it on my counter. My husband thought it was nice. I was in love with it. Its kind of odd because as a child my grandmother had one just like it. As a teenager I accidentally broke it and have never forgotten that feeling of dread when I told my mom. I used it a few times that fall but we had just moved and I had unpacking to do and a new town to learn the ins and outs of, plus I had just had knee surgery.
 That winter the lady passed away. My husband and I grieved and not much else that winter. In the spring  came new beginnings. I began to use it more and more, making dinners and treats with it. The lady , myself and grandchildren are the only ones that have used it as far as I know. I can't say there is magic in it but It sure feels magical using it. One day I will pass it on and it will have a new story until then I will continue to use it and always remember the beautiful lady who entrusted it to me. My rolling pin!

My memories are just that, mine. They are not what you want them to be. Facts are facts. You can't just change the facts, they are what they are. As I discover more and more about the past I realize and see clearly things I never understood. The truths I uncover you are afraid of, so you make up things to discredit my memories. The truth is the truth. I told you then but you called me a liar and turned your back on me. In front of others you pretended everything was fine.  No one saw the hurt you inflicted by not believing. Then years later you pretend as though you never knew and if you had known you would have helped. I even went to people of authority that wouldn't believe me and so the abuse continued. I wasn't allowed to think for myself, my rights were violated and taken from me and you sat by and let it happen. If it was happening to me then it wasn't happening to you. But you were suppose to look after me, be my protector and you failed your one and only task.